Monday it starts...

Yesterday (Monday the 29th) was beam verification day at Swedish cancer care.  Basically they take the computer model of my cancer that was made last week (that included another probing) and compare it to the real deal lying on the radiation table. I lie prone on this table that has a cut out for my belly which allows my small intestines to drop down and that allows the ionized radiation to only hit the cancer.  Mostly.  Now my radiation oncologist Dr Mehta will compare images and then can make adjustments before I start getting hit with the real deal.

This all starts next Monday. It was suppose to be today but I'm waiting on my insurance to approve the chemo pills I'll be taking.  Six weeks of chemo ain't cheap.  I have to take the chemo pills and the radiation on the same day. They compliment each other.   Miss a day of chemo and I have to miss radiation. 

My chances of survival are directly linked to how much of this I can take.  If I have to have them lower the radiation dose or the chemo dose due to side effects, well, I am not sure what happens. I know that the journals that I have read all say that treatment is best when it is completed and at full strength. The side effects are awful and everyone is different when it comes to how they react to the treatment.

I should also say that I went with Swedish Cancer Care after two really good appointments with Dr Gold my new oncologist and Dr Mehta my radiation oncologist.  Both have given me hope and are very confident people. The staff that works with these two are very nice and go out of their way to help me.  I went with Swedish because I feel I'll get a bit more attention because I work with these people. I know the doctors and nurses there and it feels like family.  The folks that I work with at the Ballard ER have been nothing short of amazing. I am proud to work with them.  

I worked all weekend and then took Monday night off. I thought that I would have trouble sleeping during the day and not be able to work well at night.  Well hell. I should have worked. I can't sleep.  Jen went downstairs to sleep as I am keeping her up.  I am looking for diversions and watching Parks and Recreation on Amazon helps. I need to laugh. My mind won't shut off. Constantly working.  Doesn't help that I read a bunch about my upcoming surgery and the treatment side effects. I broke my rule about Google and cancer. Just couldn't help myself. 

So here I am at 0436 Tuesday morning, awake with a stomach that feels like I have fire in it and eyes that have glass in them.  I just can't get over the feeling that...like I said, my mind will not shut off. Maybe this will get better once I start treatment.  Monday Monday. Can't trust that day. 

Jen took me to radiation Monday and when we told Sam that I was going to the doctor I heard her ask "What's wrong with daddy?"  I haven't told her really anything. Not sure if she'd understand. She knows sick but does she know this type of sick.  I didn't listen to Jen's response to her question. Some things are still too hard to do.
Saw my regular doctor today and have two spots on my skin that are cancerous.  I have to wait till chemo and radiation is done before they can remove them.  

I have friends who have battled cancer and are still around. I have been asking them only questions about how the chemo affected them or if they got sick from radiation.  I haven't asked them about how they have dealt with this mentally. Some of these friends have young children and I imagine their emotions are running like mine. We are having dinner with a rectal cancer survivor on the 1st.  I believe she is at 5 years now. Doing well. Gonna ask her how she dealt with this. 

Maybe I should follow the advice given down below.

I feel like I bitch too much about this.  I should suck it up some and quit crying about this. Yes cancer sucks. And yes, it is unfair that I got this while so many others treat their bodies like a rental car.  It is what it is.
This blog post has been days in the making.  It started on December 30th and right now it is January 1st.  Got a letter yesterday from my insurance company.  They are refusing to cover my chemotherapy.  The letter states that I am not sick enough for chemo.  I imagine that this is pretty typical but I really don't need this.  Friday I'll call the doctor and the insurance company.  If this delays my treatment more, I am going to scream.  Actually I already did that.  Now I'll wait for Friday and go from there.
2015 is going to suck.