Mentally I am doing OK. I have my ups and downs but the downs are far less frequent. I am seeing a cancer social worker every week or so and that helps to lay it all out there. Friends and family have been a blessing. I savor every minute of it. Had a wonderful dinner on Appa Saturday and sitting there in the glow of friendship and family all felt right if only for that night.
I know that I could never go into remission or the surgery could get botched along with a million other problems and none of them I can control. The dawning realization and growing ability to just let my anger and fear go have given me something new. Hope. The familiarity of my treatments is also helping. The blood draws still suck but I have found my voice and started to demand a different type of needle setup that is more work for the lab personnel but I just don't give a damn. That and you get two tries. Miss twice and I want someone else.
I am almost up to full strength on my chemo. 3000 mg daily. No chest pain to report. Saw Dr Gold today and he is pleased with my progress. I am still working full time and haven't missed a shift since the chest pain episodes. I can feel crappy at home or at work. Might as well work while I can.
In order to qualify for the Family Medical Leave Act you have to have put in 1250 hours at work in the past year. I am at 650 (or so) hours. That means unless I book a bunch of OT, I cannot take a leave of absence for my cancer treatment. I could but then I run out of insurance. I recently got a bill for the radiation part of my treatment. Not the whole bill just a halfway bill. $35,000. I owe $815 of that. The ER visit and the angiogram are going to be $100,000 +. There is no way I can not work and handle this financially. Thankfully my wonderful boss and I have a plan. We will see how that pans out when the time comes. Again, out of my control so I am putting it out of my mind. Trying to anyhow.
I'll end this with some quotes I've found.
When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching -- they are your family.
Courage is being scared to death . . .
and saddling up anyway.
~John Wayne
"Cancer changes your life, often for the better. You learn what's important, you learn to prioritize, and you learn not to waste your time. You tell people you love them. My friend Gilda Radner (who died of ovarian cancer in 1989 at age 42) used to say, 'If it wasn't for the downside, having cancer would be the best thing and everyone would want it.' That's true. If it wasn't for the downside." --Joel Stein
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